i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
