I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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