but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
