Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
