Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
