My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
