A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We're like a lot better than the average bears
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
