he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
