How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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