our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
