I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
only you would photoshop your dick
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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