I think my vagina is haunted
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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