my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife š¬
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a āfireplaceā station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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