Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
