My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
