Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
