she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
