4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
