So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
