i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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