hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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