btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
