I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
