Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
