She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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