I hate your face
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
