I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
