How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize