Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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