i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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