You're so nebulous sometimes
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
