What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
