i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
