the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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