Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
