DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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