i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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