i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
