my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
