Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think my vagina is haunted
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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