Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
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It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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