I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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