My girlfriend figured out who you are.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
