between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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