my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
