My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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