So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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