God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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