My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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