yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
