is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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