Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
