Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
