he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
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Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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