someone threw a dead crab at me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
