I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
