You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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