I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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