I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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